You’re Allowed to be Cranky
“You know your heart better than anyone else. This means you need to act on what you know. Speak up for yourself, ask for support when needed, don’t feel like you need to move at the same speed as everyone else.”
-Yung Pueblo
So much can change in a year. Last year at this time was the last time I wrote in this blog, and it was the beginning of me finally breaking out of a pattern I had been living in for much of my life. Since those posts, I have stared at my obsession with ‘finding the one’ right in the face. I have said no to potential lovers who promised me the world, but only for a brief moments, and I quit the apps cold turkey in August. I started meeting people in real life and I settled in with every intention of staying single until ‘the one’ found me.
Of course, like all the dumb cliches, that is when Kyle waltzed into my life. At that point, I had plenty of cool friends, so I told them to send their single friends to find me. Sure enough, friends of friends who live next to K, sent him to find me drinking a Bloody Mary at our local watering hole in the Harbor. It took about 20 minutes until we decided to go sailing on what he calls our first date, and five months later, I feel a feeling that is so calm and steady that I am back on here to write about it.
When I write, I often think about my motivation. Why do I want to share these things with an online platform? Who is it for? Aren’t there more important things to write about than my silly little love life?
When I wandered and traveled, blogging was a way to keep my stories straight and to be seen by friends and family who couldn’t see me physically in person. I look back on those blogs, and all I can see is how badly I wanted what I have only begun to feel after 3 years of staying still. On top of that, as someone who has started setting roots down in my hometown, I have had the experience that whatever I share online may be brought up in a casual conversation when I am walking unassuming down the sidewalk in my sweatpants. I am learning the importance of ONLY sharing the stories I am okay talking about impromptu in public.
That being said, as a millennial woman who has gone through the absolute gamut of dating in today’s world, I wanted to put what changed for me into words so that you might cling to some hope in the sea of manic pixie men, and noncommittal hinge dates. I too, have fallen for some men, not for their character, but the fact that they bake bread, or drive the same car as me, or take film photos, or can entertain an entire room with Russian dance moves… I didn’t have to change anything about myself, I just had to stop using any of these as a cover up for how they were treating me.
The thing about dating though, is that unless you have a very vivid imagination, it is hard to believe in a way of loving that you haven’t experienced. There are lots of ‘hypothetically good’ men out there, but until you feel the steadiness of someone who is calm and confident in themselves, it feels as strange and impossible as the political climate we are living for. If you have had a good relationship, the ‘best person’ you dated probably serves as the sign post for what you think you should look for, but you’ve also probably forgotten why it didn’t work out. Our wounds inform us when to run, but they also feel comfortable and like you know what to do.
There will come a day though, where you get tired of your own bullshit. I did anyways. I got tired of dating people I thought I should because they were nice enough, or had a good job, or because they were ridiculously good looking, or because many of my other ‘yes, buts’ that I would hear myself reciting to my friends. ‘He’s so lovely and has a great job!… but he talks the whole time I hang out with him.’ And to be fair, many of them were really good people. They just weren’t for me.
I had to learn that I deserve to be with people who want to be with me. It sounds simple, but it requires a level of trust and understanding that took me years to believe. My body doesn’t go through the usual, excited, butterfly anxiety that I can recognize now stemmed from the familiar uncertainty, and my body trying to inform me we had experienced that before. Instead, this love is a calm hum. A warm hug. An unconditional presence. A soft certainty that we will and can design a life that is ours without losing our selves.
This whole post started because yesterday I woke up cranky. K and I went to a coffee shop, and I told him I was feeling cranky. There was no underlying reason. Just general crankiness. I was uncomfortable with how cranky I felt, and my usual desire to flee, hide and hole up started kicking in. He put his arm around me and stated ‘You are allowed to be cranky, Hannah.’ That moment was one of the first times I have been able to show up exactly as I was, without needing to try to be another way, or adjust my mood to make those around me comfortable. K has shown me over and over again that he can be with me, however I am, without getting swept up in my moods. He is an anchor.
We have a lot more to learn about each other and what our future looks like as a couple (its only been 5 months jeez slow down!!), but for those of you who are dating right now, I want to tell you this:
don’t fool yourself into a relationship with someone who isn’t showing up.
Focus on your values, and have as much goddamn fun as you can.
Date intentionally, and trust your body.
Ask for clarity, and accept their answers. Non-answers are an answer too
Let there be space between you. Trust how you feel.
Do not for the love of god let their cool hobbies convince you that you need to date them. Go learn those hobbies for yourself.
And lastly, there is a really good chance you don’t know what you are waiting for yet. Let yourself be surprised.
As for me, I am happy to report that it is possible to find a lover without any buts… just yes, and… and… and… and one who will love you on days when you are cranky, too.